Does Nature take over and therefore your need to nurture your previous self go out the window?
I’m 4 weeks away from actually producing a real life brand new human on to this planet and while I couldn’t be more excited/nervous/scared as hell, I do have a few ponderings?
Are my days (or nights) of reckless abandon, i.e. girls nights where I drink too much, dance my ass off and bar hop, over? And do I really care if they are?
More importantly, do I have to sacrifice my want of style and quality for the greater good of our family? This should be an easy answer right? Maybe thats why I'm losing sleep over it.
Today, through no small feat, I convinced my husband to do some “window” shopping in a popular outlet haven. I had to pull the, “Its one of our last weekends as just the two of us, lets DO something!” It worked, but not without lots of resistance even after we got to our destination. First stop, Carters Outlet, two focuses, ooh and ah over the adorable selection of baby clothes (read: little girl clothes, especially the easter ones! When are they going to get on the boat with the boys…though they did carry 2 sweater vests, I LOVE sweater vests) and to get my hubby more excited about this whole, baby is going to be here in just a couple of weeks, reality. Next stop, Coach Outlet. I’m on a search for the perfect ME diaper bag. I’ve found it. A gorgeous Coach tote that’s available at an extremely reasonable price, being the outlet and all. Will I get it? That is yet to be determined as my hubby is strongly against it. (Wow, he is coming off with a stick up his butt, maybe there is one, called the need to provide and the reality of having no money). I keep thinking about this bag, my shoe fetish, my desire for fashionable quality clothing, and all of a sudden I feel guilty that I worry those things won’t be as common anymore now that I will have a baby to provide for. Do we really have to give up some of these perks of being adult once a non-adult becomes your responsibility? Am I going to be a fashionista by desire, but by design, have to purchase my clothes at Old Navy and Target as opposed to Banana Republic and Ann Taylor? Not that there is anything wrong with Old Navy and Target, don’t take offense, I get plenty of goods there already, but I’m not sure how I feel about being LIMITED to them!
There are lots of changes coming our way with this little baby, I have no idea to what extent they are. But I truly believe that every aspect of my life will be affected. When we chose to become parents, I never viewed the choice as selfish or not, though when couples choose not to become parents because they enjoy their lifestyle, I admit to thinking that it's a little self-serving, like the reward of raising a good person to add to our not-so-good society is so worth not having the nightlife, wardrobe, car you desire. But yet, here I sit, blogging about my fear of losing the ability (or maybe, just maybe it will be my desire) to dress a certain way, or carry a certain brand handbag. I should be more concerned about how I’m going to balance my career, and my goal to have one of those families that make other people jealous! That is mostly what takes up my limited pregnant brain space these days, but I feel confident in the parent that I want to be, I feel confident in the relationship I want to have with my husband when the baby makes three, and I’m okay with not being so sure about what effect this change will have on my work life.
The realization that I am going to be a mom weighs heavily on me these last few weeks, as I suppose it should. Throughout my entire pregnancy, all I did was relax in how fun being pregnant was. Yes, I am/was one of those pregnant women who enjoyed just about everything about being pregnant! Even with weighing over 200lbs, the inability get a good nights rest, killer heartburn and oodles of stretchmarks, I still loved it. I’m going to miss feeling the baby move. I was thinking today about my first shower after I have the baby. I’m not sure if it was a dream as I dozed off, or just a passing thought, but I imagined looking down and having a flat belly (okay, flat may be a stretch) and breaking down in tears, realizing my baby was no longer in there, being my personal treat every day with the squirms and hiccups that I only I could truly revel in. There’s so much that goes in through a mommy’s head, does it become less the more children you have, or do these questions continue to keep you up at night?
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6 comments:
Cerina
Knowing you as I do, all the pieces will fall into place because you are going to be the most amazing mom ever. Reading your blog brought me to tears. I wish I was there to share this with you, maybe it would have even made me slow down and enjoy it with you!!!
I love you!
Cerina,
I just read your blog, I really got teared up from it. I believe you will do what is necessary for your child. I'm sure it is different being a mother then it is being a father, but when I was expecting tyler I had surges of doubts through my head as far as what I was going to be like as a father, but though a lot has changed in my life one thing that will always remain the same is the fact that I will raise my kids to be everything they can be and i'm positive you will do the same.
Add me to the "got teared up" list. **sigh** I know you're going to be a GREAT mom no matter what. I will say that things that took priority to you are definitely going to be put on the back burner (obviously). And it's something that you won't even feel like you "needed" to do. It is something that you will WANT to do. :o) Becomming a mom changes you & the way you view life. Priorities change, routines change, YOU change. That doesn't mean you can't be fashion savvy or go out on occasion but you'll find that you'll want to spend more time at home and any extra money you have, on a cute new outfit for baby, not for yourself (speaking for myself there anyway LOL). It's definitely hard to explain it but I can guarantee that in a couple months you will look back at where you are now & not even remember the life where it was just two...and it will certainly be in a good way! :o)
Dear Daughter-in-law,
You KNOW I was crying by the time I finished reading Nature vs Nurture. You are 100% correct that your life will never be the same. However, it will not matter anymore as you will no longer remember your life before. It will feel as natural to you as breathing. You won't care about the latest fashions, shoes, bags or any of that. What you will think about is that little new life that is totally dependent on you for everything. Your sleepless nights are only beginning. There will be sleepless nights for a variety of reasons; your sweet child will be up all night with a tummy ache, teething or a bad dream. You'll be up late helping them with the Science project that they just remembered is due tomorrow. You'll be up with them when their heart gets broken for the first time and you'll cry right along with them. You'll share in all their joys and their sorrows. You'll beam with pride when they make the cheerleading squad or watch from the bleachers at a basketball game as they shoot a 3 pointer and the gymnasium roars with excitement. You'll have sleepless nights when they borrow the car for the first time, the second time or the 1000 time. It won't matter to you what the hottest style is or owning the most chic bag or shoes. You will feel as if you would give your own life to make your child happy and give them a loving home, something that money can't buy. To see their face and eyes light up when they see their first Christmas tree. Your heart rejoices when they say their first word or take their first step or the day they proudly march down the aisle and across the stage and turn to you with their diploma held high in the air with a feeling of great accomplishment. There is even excitement in the first time they bring home their dirty laundry from college. And when the day comes that they come home to you and say they have found the love of their life and wants to marry them you will cry for two reasons;
1: because you realize they are no longer that little boy or girl that you stayed up night after night with rocking in the rocking chair and singing to them and 2: you realize they are happy and in love and about be begin their life as an adult. You share in that happiness, too.
I can't begin to describe the millions of wonderful moments you will experience. You are about to embark on the most amazing journey of your life. There will be so many moments of joy and emotions that will fill your world.
Embrace these special, private moments of that tiny life growing inside you, kicking and hiccupping and reminding you they are there. No matter what anyone else tells you about labor it will be your greatest experience and when the moment comes when that little tiny life that love created comes into the world and takes their first breath, you will be swept away by such emotion that nothing else will matter. It is a labor of love.
All my love, "Mom" a/k/a Noni
Cerina Cerina,
I went through the same worries about changes too. And even when I was pregnant with my second baby.. I was not convinced I could be a mother of two, and still be me... BUT, I have learned that I will always be me.. loving fashion, skiing, independance, nights out with the girls... ect... but because I have two children, I am that much richer! You'll have it all Cerina. That is the beauty of being a mom~!
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